All posts by Dr. Tom

Viral Marketing Campaign Inspired by Comedy Ends with Tragedy

December 20, 2016
Portland, Oregon

A misleading viral marketing campaign ground to a terrifying halt today as 22 year-old Mannaia Ngowaki was shot dead by Homeland Security forces due to what could only be described as a tragic misunderstanding. Ngowaki, a Hawaiian-born American citizen of Samoan ancestry, was recently hired by a small health food company to participate in a viral marketing campaign to promote a new line of vegan-friendly, non-GMO energy bars.

The company in question, Oahu Benchmark Nutrition, directed Ngowaki to “burst in” to places where large crowds gather and excitedly proclaim his love of their new energy bar. While performing this task, he was to speak in a fake accent and wear clothing commonly associated with traditional Hawaiian culture. The purpose of such a display was to generate interest, attention, and provide a little humor to stressed-out consumers during the frantic holiday season.

Unfortunately, all he provided on his maiden promotional voyage was confusion, terror, and his own fatal end. At 855AM Pacific time, Ngowaki charged into Portland International Airport clad in the aforementioned garb, terrifying everyone who laid eyes on him, and alarming passengers within earshot of the one phrase he kept repeating at the top of his lungs: ‘Oahu snack bar.’ After an astounding 11 minutes of dashing through baggage claim terminals while panicking passengers hid or fled, he was fatally shot 33 times by 3 members of a Department of Homeland Security task force and then stabbed twice by an elderly woman with a particularly-sturdy parasol.

“When I got there I saw this large man running around screaming at the top of his lungs,” said Dennis Warwick, a member of the DHS security force that gunned Ngowaki down, “He was wearing strange clothes and was holding something in his hand that looked like some kind of detonator.” When asked about what Ngowaki was screaming, he added, “I thought he was screaming ‘Allahu Akbar.’ It turns out what he was actually screaming was, ‘Oahu snack bar’. It was a terrible misunderstanding.”

A terrible misunderstanding that wasn’t finally clarified until we reached out to Alika Kalama, the President of Oahu Benchmark Nutrition and the sole catalyst for this unorthodox advertising campaign. He had the following to say:

“We thought a large, screaming Samoan excitedly waving a snack bar around would be funny and attract the interest of Oregonian youth, being that it was both ethnically diverse as well as incredibly stupid, but I guess we were wrong. On that note, had we known that inadvertently faking a terrorist attack could generate so much more publicity, we would have definitely gone with that as our first decision for a marketing campaign.”

Warwick later candidly explained to us how he thought Ngowaki was a rogue terrorist wearing a suicide vest beneath a fat suit, who then lost his mind when he found it would not detonate. The reason behind his bizarre choice in clothing was due to a lack of understanding of basic US geography; that he actually thought he was in Hawaii, and was, in fact, blending in. After his lack of common sense seeped through his leaden skull, however, he refused further questioning.

“I got there late,” stated Dennis Hong, the second member of the DHS security force, who blamed his abysmal response time on a bathroom emergency, “I wasn’t completely aware of the situation, but Other Dennis was already shooting this man who was on the ground. I didn’t want to take any chances, so I started shooting as well. He was very big.” Hong is currently undergoing grief counseling and canine therapy to manage the stress of the incident.

“I just really hate Samoans,” added Jamal Magrola, the third security official named in the incident, as he was being led in handcuffs into the back of an unmarked SUV. We were unable to reach him for further comment.

It wasn’t discovered until much later in the day that the item Ngowaki held in his hand was, in, fact, one of the energy bars he was enthusiastically advertising. This delay was partially due to the fact that a bomb squad had destroyed the item of interest as well as Ngowaki’s body in a controlled demolition moments after the shooting, dismissing any opposition to the action with the insistance that it was in the best interest of everybody in Portland. All members of said bomb squad were awarded for their bravery and selflessness by Charlie Hales, the mayor of Portland.

There is no motion to press charges against Mr. Kalama at this time because he has a lot of money. All 3 security team members involved in the shooting are suspended with pay while an investigation into the incident runs its course. The unidentified elderly woman involved in his stabbing is currently being sought for questioning by local authorities.

EDIT: One of our reporters arrived on scene shortly after the disaster to interview the only remaining eye-witness, but he turned out to be deaf. Since our reporter did not know ASL, the interview was very brief and provided no further information about the event described above. We have no idea what this man may or may not have heard as this terrible tragedy unfolded.

Ski Korea*

Dr. Chris and Dr. Tom ring out the old year with more critical, sleep-inducing insight. Dr. Tom shares some news, revealing that the best place to learn how to seduce an alligator for the low, low cost of $250 is in Florida. Dr. Chris rails against public education and sloppy parenthood alike in Georgia when he shares the story of a 21-year-old high school student with a gun. Dr. Tom can’t be trusted to cook eggs. The doctors sing praises to the glorious and not at all crappily volatile nation of North Korea and their new tourism campaign, interestingly enough only a few days before the Sony Pictures debacle. Dr. Tom hosts another episode of ‘What’s worse?’ and we learn that Chris would much rather seduce a member of the supreme court than an alligator. What a patriot! Ralph Macchio has been a little quiet, so Dr. Chris checks his Twitter and verifies he’s not dead. Dr. Tom shares a single, lonely poem about farts and then a seasonal warning to all that enjoy their time on the ski slopes. The doctors close this episode with one final question: what would you do with 1.1 trillion dollars?

*This podcast has not been approved for listening by the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea or our glorious president of Earth, Kim Jong Un, praise be unto him.

Ralph Macchio news:

HE’S STILL ALIVE!!!!

News articles in this episode:

Gator Whisperer Goes to Jail

21 Year Old High School Student Jailed for Having Gun on Campus

North Korea Launches Bizarre Tourism Website


Aural Malpractice Episode 0005: Ski Korea

1,499 Walken Zoppitybop-bop-bop

Dr. Chris and Dr. Tom return to the toilets of malpractice and gruntingly squeeze out another episode. Within the depths of the podcasting gutter, Dr. Tom shares a few important news blurbs. Then, Dr. Chris re-lives some childhood trauma about bees as his personal philosophies are uncomfortably probed. In the spirit of teamwork, everyone agrees that old ladies are easy to punch in the face. Dr. Jacoby explains how TV is turning your children into an army of Manchurian Candidates. In useless celebrity news, we learn about Ralph Macchio’s new movie… and that Christopher Walken can still freak out just about anybody. Then Dr. Tom lets rip with a few fart haikus before they finally pinch this one off. See you next time!

Ralph Macchio News
A Little Game – IMDB

News articles in this episode:
Woman Wearing ‘I Love Crystal Meth’ Shirt Busted for Crystal Meth

Beezow Doo-doo Zoppitybop-bop-bop Arrested

Yellow Jacket Swarm Claims Sarasota Man’s Life


Aural Malpractice Episode 0004: 1,499 Walken Zoppitybop-bop-bop

Garbage Juice Peanuts

A metric butt-load of content in this episode. Just in time for Halloween, the doctors talk about some of their least favorite candies. There’s another plug for Pyrex, crediting them for making such a solid, leakage-resistant container. Dr. Chris has his moral credibility questioned beneath the crushing inquisition of Dr. Josh and Dr. Tom. We learn about a new movie going straight to Hallmark directed by Ralph Macchio. Dr. Jacoby stops by to warn kids about brushing their teeth. Dr. Tom shares some more fart haikus. Dr. Josh presents an interesting treatise on a morally bankrupt movie entitled Hard Rock Zombies, and then shares some interesting news from across the world. All the while, the doctors can’t seem to stop talking about Hitler. Disturbing? You bet it is!

Ralph Macchio News.

Across Grace Alley – IMDB

News with Dr. Josh. Hitler REALLY wants to serve you tea!

German Store Accidentally Sells Romantic Hitler Tea Cup

Kettle that Looks Like Hitler Brews Trouble for JCPenney


Aural Malpractice Episode 0003: Garbage Juice Peanuts

Then I Pooped my Pants

In the second episode of Aural Malpractice, Dr. Josh shares some nationally-acclaimed zombie news and discuss what vehicle they would use to cause $14,000 worth of damage to a car dealership. In Ralph Macchio news, America’s hero has been sighted in some foreign commercials for Wendy’s pulled pork sandwiches, through which the doctors all unanimously anticipate his future sumo career.  We also perform our first unofficially-sponsored product placement, Dr. Chris role plays the crappiest sports fan ever while Dr. Josh and Dr. Tom explain their dark powers of conversation manipulation. The three also each provide their unique observations at a mutual gathering in which there was a failed attempt at yellow jacket genocide. In the end, we have some more high-brow fart poetry and close with and insidious plan to destroy Chairman Meow.

Only one important question was left unanswered: What do you do with a vacuum cleaner full of bees?

From the news segment with Dr. Josh:

Man in Car Dealership Theft Trying to Escape Zombies

For Ralph Macchio:

Ralph Macchio in Some Kind of Food Commercial or Something, I Think

 

Aural Malpractice Episode 0002: Then I Pooped My Pants

Peanut Butter Enemas

Dr. Chris, Dr. Josh, and Dr. Tom briefly introduce themselves by insulting women, then move on to the finer points of potty training, projectile pooping, child labor, Ralph Macchio, rewriting movie history, fart poetry, and one of the worst movies ever made. Feel free to check out the first attempt of a never-ending work-in-progress!

Ralph Macchio News:

Celebrity News – Outsiders Reunion

 

Aural Malpractice Episode 0001: Peanut Butter Enemas